Stupid things I do while waiting for my new iPhone to be delivered

  • Take a shower in 25.8 seconds flat to minimize the amount of time I may not hear the delivery truck or doorbell over the sound of running water. Even when it’s 6:00 am and there’s no chance of the UPS guy stopping by my house that early in the morning.
  • Open all the blinds and windows facing the street to be sure I hear the delivery truck when it arrives.
  • Stop and look through any street-facing window randomly in case I suddenly went deaf temporarily and simply didn’t hear the UPS truck drive up.
  • Avoid turning on the radio or TV so that there are no other sounds that could interfere with my ability to hear the UPS truck arrive.
  • Encourage and reward my dog with an unprecedented number of wholesome turkey jerky dog treats to bark at every vehicle that drives down our street to increase the odds that I’ll be aware of the UPS truck’s arrival. Then spend the other 364 days of the year trying to train him out of this habit.
  • Stare at the entrance to our neighborhood and attempt to use the Force to will the UPS truck to get here sooner.
  • Read through my Twitter timeline and alternately empathize with those waiting like me and hate those who stood in line at a store and already have their new iPhone.
  • Repeatedly track my package in hopes that UPS has added new statuses like “Your house is next!” and “Driving down your street” to its tracking system.
  • Scream like a teenager at a Justin Bieber concert when the UPS truck appears and heads toward my house.


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